Sorry I have been Missing in Action

Today, I’d like to talk about the drug problem in Kansas City.
Wasicu don’t like to call it a problem. They call it an issue.

“Mang, I have glass stuck to the bottoms of my boots! I keep stepping on the crack vials Every time I go to throw my trash in the dumpsters. This is a fucking serious problem!”
“No, my brown colored friend. This is an issue. A real issue that needs to be addressed.”

I’ve always been a sense of humor type of gal, so I look at the “issue” of drugs in Kansas City in a positive light. Let’s break it down:

Q: What is the most popular drug in Kansas City?
A: Crack.
Q: What does crack attract?
A: Crack addicts.
Q: What special skill do crack addicts have?
A: They are fast?
Q: What?
A: They are fast. Faster than an Argentine on bath day.

This is true. Crack addicts are the cheetahs of the human race. If you challenge a crack addict to a foot race you will lose. You may be walking down the street, humming a Kurtis Blow song, minding your own business then all of a sudden there is a crack addict next to you asking for money.


“Yo brah. How you doin’ brah. Hook a brotha’ up over here.”


By the way, this particular crack addict, “Johnny”, is white. He likes to be called a “brotha’” and tilts his hat to the left. He is the fastest white man I have ever seen in my life. I once watched Johnny dart from shadow to shadow in an alley on his way to the dealer down the street. As the clouds changed the trajectory of the sunlight he would dart, skip, jump and dash his way to the darkness of a shadow. I wanted to remind him that it was the middle of the day and everyone could see him, but it was nice to see this ghetto ballet going on behind my house.

I think it would be a good way to raise money for the city to have crack addict races. Seriously. They could be sponsored. They could run up and down 10th street. It could be televised. We could have play-by-play announcers:
“Well Bob, it looks like Elaine has taken the lead by bashing Johnny over the head with what looks to be, yes, I’ve been informed that it indeed is, she bashed Johnny over the head with the hood of a 1994 Geo Metro. Wow, look at that Elaine run.”
I have yet to see a Muslim Immigrant crack addict in Kansas City, but I GUARANTEE that he/she would be the fastest. They are small and compact and I’m sure they would move like the wind.

I’m not sure what the prize of the race could be, but probably crack.

Or a Geo Metro.
Some of you may say that I’m being too hard on the Kansas City police. You’re right. I am being hard on them. I think that they are moving in the right direction by putting up cameras all over Kansas City’s intersections or “high risk zones”.


Now, I know this is a move in the right direction, but is that camera supposed to be pointed directly at a car or the sales on the side of the street?

Why is this?

Anyway, crack races. Sponsored crack races. 1994 Geo Metro. Think about it.

Overheard in the Office:

Sales guy: Oh, crap! I left the cap off my Sharpie last night! [Tries it on paper] Oh, no! What can I do?!
Cube rat #1: Well, you could try running a little water over the tip. Or, um, you could just throw it away and get a new one.
Sales guy: Put some water on it? Would that work?
Cube rat #2: Is it a Sharpie or a marker?
Cube rat #3: If putting water on it doesn't work, try licking it.